


You demand for what you want... (Never once stopping to think that maybe I am giving you what you need)

by slyvir



Series: A Staring At Eternity AU - SPOILERS, drabbles, prompts, hidden and deleted scenes related to  If you stare at Eternity, at some point, it will stare back at you [2]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comments may contain Spoilers, Drabble, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Relationships, Insecurity, M/M, Other AU Stories Spoilers, Past Relationship(s), Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Shadowhunter!Magnus, Spoilers, Swap!AU, Warlock!Alec, Warlock!Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 02:45:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6638230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slyvir/pseuds/slyvir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seems there's no escaping fighting, Camille's words are just the kind of poison that never leaves one's system, and when both parties had a taste of it... Well it's not so hard to see the damage it can do to a person... And yet the fighting is never directed to the root of the problem but unleashed onto those who are close to us... Is this going to be the last time we fight?</p>
            </blockquote>





	You demand for what you want... (Never once stopping to think that maybe I am giving you what you need)

**Author's Note:**

> If you are reading either ShadowLikesPie's Staring At Eternity or my own If you stare at Eternity, at some point, it will stare back at you then you most likely are in for SPOILERS... 
> 
> Choose wisely on what you want... Here's the brief summary that will still allow you a second chance of escape before it's too late
> 
> Shadowhunter!Magnus and Warlock!Alec are in a relationship the both of them had been screwed over by Camille, both of them have insecurities and past issues they never dealt with, nevertheless mentioned to the other because those are weaknesses neither is willing to expose at this point in time (or ever... because really revealing any weakness is just begging to be kicked where it hurts the most when you least expect it), yet another fight issue, but it could very well be their last one...
> 
>  
> 
> Last chance to back off if you want to wait ad avoid spoilers turn around now,  
> otherwise please enjoy... (and remember killing the author means for sure they'll never fix what they have broken...)

It had been yet another long day for the both of them, tension building up, disappointment and worry piling up, preparing the condition for what was going to be yet another heated fight... On the brighter side, those fights usually tend to end into heavy angry making out with both of them taking out their anger in marking and reclaiming possession of each other, a wordless assurance they are still here, still alive, still together...

To Magnus the darker premises appeared in the form of yet another mission going south too fast to avoid injuries, just one of those days when you start to wonder if your heart was set into a suicidal frame when it was your time to choose your weapon's affinity, there were too many demons, and neither his war fans or seraph blade were enough to prevent all of them being injured...

Catarina, their usual healer being the first to succumb to injury, Raphael taking more than one stab in his side to defend and protect for his idiotic parabatai Ragnor who had rushed into action without realizing he was being cornered; and Magnus himself trying to be the hero and save the day, only barely managing to not become completely useless and get himself killed... just barely... in the end not mentioning his own injuries because after all, he was headed to Alec's place, and Alec would never withhold his services; the warlock's healing magic was thousand times less painful than an

In the end not mentioning his own injuries because after all, he was headed to Alec's place, and Alec would never withhold his services; the warlock's healing magic was thousand times less painful than an iratze, and if Magnus could find in himself the courage to be completely honest, then he could tentatively admit that deep inside feeling _Alexander's care_ **shine** in any small action meant to heal and take care of **_Magnus_** , seeing such powerful and controlled person falling apart, _worrying_ because of Magnus, well it was empowering, it gave him the rush of feeling invincible because Alec wouldn't turn his back to Magnus, no matter what would happen.

The ruby necklace had finally stopped pulsing after the last demon was killed, Catarina, Raphael and Ragnor leading back to the institute to be patched up, _Magnus_ choosing to go directly to Alec's loft, his finger playing with the pendant, still astonished about all the revelation about it he got from Camille, a symbol of " _love"_   meant for her but then passed to him, probably as an afterthought, and it was this revelation of a shared previous lover, knowing Alec knows, or at least could understand the pain Magnus is in thanks to her toxic's words and games, and yet despite it all Alexander still refuses to help, preventing him from obtaining some relief from the pain, not even an excuse of explanation for subjecting him to this torture...

Maybe, maybe Camille was right... If this is what Alexander calls love, then dammit Magnus was completely right in treating whatever this thing they had going as the tool to obtain what he _needs..._

Since Camille's revelation, as the days passed by, the sense of validation about the plan he had at the very beginning of this whole mess, that settles in his mind and heart had grown steady, letting him feeling justified in being mad at not being helped, pushing him back into the mind frame of when all he wanted was finding a way to worm his way into Alexander's life and bed, because really why not fully enjoy the ride and get a kick out of it while he's on the mission, but at the same time having his head on the prize, the final objective of having all the memories of Camille, of her words and actions, removed from his mind, allowing him some peace after what had been a year of sneaking around, incredible sex, and words that cut deeper than anything else, words able to destroy him and his constant need tp prove himself to her, to show he was worth it despite it all....

Magnus has barely realized he can walk into Alec's place without even needing the warlock to be there, it is after the nth time his steps falter and the world feels super dizzy that le lets himself crash on the couch, surprised by the emptiness of the loft, as far as he knew Alec only had one client scheduled for today, and that was early in the morning... Dammit he came here to be healed and Alexander is nowhere to be found, it's not surprising in this dark mood the last of his conscious thoughts are pissed off with an aftertaste of disappointment on the background. 

  

* * *

 

 

Alec's day hadn't been the best, to star on an unpleasant note the head of the New York Institute had once again called on him for something as trivial as checking the perfectly fine and fully working wards he installed just the past month, trying to claim fault in them and avoid the full payment he had already conceded to accept in installment, as if the implied insult to his work wasn't enough the arrogant Nephilim demanded it all to be done as first thing at six in the morning...

It wasn't just the fact that the shadowhunter could have shown some decency and at least have _tried_ to treat Alexander like any other business associate, with either more consideration for his usual working hours, or at least respect previous engagements when requiring his service, but of course it was too much hoping to have extended the courtesy of not being forced to be subject of their rather hypocritical credo of "A shadowhunter is always prepared whether he is expecting trouble or not".

Being the High Warlock of Brooklyn meant not only that his time and work is high in demand, but on this specific day, that he actually might have other appointments, like he **_had_** , and one which actually **_was_ ** urgent and not the whine of paranoid "angel-warriors", the life of a sick werewolf child was at stake waiting for the potion that Alexander had prepared and which that same morning was still needing few hours to be completed...

It goes without having to say it that both appointment and potion blew out in a disaster thanks to those self-serving _Nephilim_...

The final result?

A mother losing her only child because he couldn't arrive there in time, still getting a smile and a thank you from the woman because he tried to save all his people, not just the warlocks but the other downworlders like them as well...

Another innocent life he couldn't save, another time he had to bow down to the whims of the shadowhunters under the threat of being reported as _unhelpful_ downworlder in the Nephilim's time of " ** _need_** "...

Yet another day when being the High Warlock of Brooklyn meant having to decide who lives and who dies...

Having to carry the weight of deciding if saving a single life is less important than trying to save many...

More blood on his hands...

More blood on his hands, and no way to forget it, oh there had been times when things were hard, especially after Camille hurt him irreversibily, when all he wanted to do was grovel and crawling at the feet of Warlocks more powerful than himself begging to reconsider their position, shaking them out their calcification, to at least _try_ giving him some respite...

Days when he wished he could go knocking desperatedly at the doors of the Spiral labyrinth begging to search for a way, a memory spell, even a curse, **_anything_  **to simply forget the pain. It was during those times that Alexander's mind unhelpfully supplied what he already knew, what he had already to face and make peace with...

Memories are flicker difficult things to play with, it takes a lot of power an ability to remove both the memories and the scars they've inflicted, and not any warlock could do successfully, even then Magic has a way to protect a warlock throughout their life, losing memories, in general, could be fatal if it prevents the person to avoid repeating certain mistakes, but memories that left behind deep wounds?

Those are harder because they are part of the core that shapes a person into who they are, it doesn't mean it's impossible, but the price to pay for their removal is unimaginable, is giving up all of who you are and become one version of who you could have been, which in itself wouldn't seem so bad, Alexander can see the silver lining of it every day in Izzy's strong and confident enthusiasm in enjoying life in every way she could, but what most do not realize in making this kind of request is that who is giving up the memories is not going to be the only one paying the price...

For giving up who you are now also means giving up all the relationship you have built with others this far, because then those around you wouldn't deal with the same person they knew before, and you could lose the ability to be with them in the same way as before, unable to understand what is missing... What changed between the two of you, all of that because in losing those memories you lost the part of yourself that was able to sing in tune with the other people in your life...

In a way it is sort of ironic that mundies among all races are the ones who had part of it down right in their saying _"Being who you are today is the result of the choice you made yesterday",_ now if only everyone else could get on board and get the hint as well thing could be slightly simpler...

The musing did bring back some semblance of balance to Alec, just enough to take a step back from the edge of the abyss, making it the next breath slightly more endurable during times, like right now, when not even the knowledge that for him there's no real choice to make, no room to be selfish, nothing else he can do but simply endure and carry on, is not enough to bring much comfort, for it is at times like this that Alexader does wonder if he's slowly but surely descending into madness...

Because only madness can explain those days when he can't stop to see all the blood he could not prevent to be spilled covering everything around him, like literally, but today's seems different in all its technicolor and multisensorial imagination, in a way seemingly more real...

 

_~ Blood trailing to his couch...?  That one's new...~_ Or at least Alec hoped it was just a figment of his imagination, because otherwise the scene in front his eyes would just take the cake of a frankly horrible day, Magnus laying _bleeding_ on Alec's couch _unconscious.._. It takes him only milliseconds to get in action and start healing _his_ half-angel, but the fear gripping his heart after the event of the day doesn't allow his mind to stop worrying, fearing he's once more too late...

 

* * *

 

 

When Magnus regained consciousness the first thing he noticed was that he was feeling suddenly a lot better than he remembers feeling before everything went dark, the second thing he notices was the steady angry mutter from the direction of the kitchen, - _it seems Alec did came home in time after all_... _I wonder about the others_ \- realizing this only brought back the black cloud of dark thoughts playing on his head today, and looking at the long list of growing worried messages from his friends on his phone all but brought him back in the belligerent frustrated state he was before, getting close and finally understanding the muttered words coming from the _warlock_ about reckless stupid children, and blood, and carelessness, and useless injuries is just the last straw that makes Magnus snap.

"Useless injuries and some blood on your furniture is all you care about _warlock_? You know nothing about what happen today, you cannot even start to image what it meant seeing all my friends getting ambushed like we did only to return here and almost dying because you couldn't be bother to be here" oh Magnus knows he's pushing it, but he just can't stop, he's on a roll, and feels justified in his anger

Alexander stands tall through the whole tirade of the young shadowhunter, his lips pressed thinly "Magnus" the warning sounding like the calm before the brewing storm, powerful, electric, just one step in before exploding...

"My friends worrying about me for _hours_ while you were out doing the Angels only know _what..._ I wonder why am I even thought to come here instead of going back home at the Institute" as soon as the words are out of his mouth Magnus knows it is too late to take them back, that he just pressed and crossed the wrong line... He knows that in his own juvenile anger he let his mouth run ahead of himself, because the Institute never felt like home, it was just one of the places he lived in, not even the love of his friend - _makeshift family_ \- was enough to change the feelings connected to the Institute... Because **_home_** is where you are accepted and loved for who you are, like at Alec's place, where each new extravagance is met with an amused grin and endearing reaction ranging from an bashful stammering blush to a snarky barb... **_Home_** is where fashion, color, _jewelry_ and makeup are not dirty little secrets that could cost you your life and career, and dammit glitter can and does belong even in the bath cream. **_Home_** is where you are being patched up and scolded for being reckless, then kissed better on each scrap you got doing your duty... **_Home..._** is no longer in Alec's embrace if the body language of the High Warlock is even in small part betraying the thoughts swirling in his mind...

Alexander's stance looks unapproachable and deceively at ease, leaning on the kitchen counter, both his hands behind his back holding into the counter for support and balance, and maybe, just maybe to hide from Magnus's view the slight tremor and flickers of magic escaping his control in hearing those words, words triggering and bringing back over a century old cruel whisper...

'Darling why would someone even think in passing to build a home with _you... You_ haven't the _slightest idea_ of what it means feeling at home... Even less what it would mean sharing **_home_** with somebody...'  in all honesty Alec is not even able to tell himself if his next words are a belated and frankly weak and useless comeback at Camille's like cruel whispers his mind conjures to torment him, or if they are genuinely directed at the healed shadowhunter standing in his loft as if he owned the place, which seems like a legit suspect when looking at all of the above mentioned shadowhunter's possession scattered around like small sparkling gems of color and glitter in what used to be Alec's dark den, where once only the library and the bedroom held sign of care and attention, now each part of the loft seemed alive and bursting with colors, bright yet comfortable furniture and small details that seemed to belong more in an interior design magazine than a real lived in apartment...

The shrugs looks indifferent and the words sound painfully soft, more like a simple statement rather than an accusation "If this is how you feel I don't see either why you'd want to be here... You are not my prisoner Magnus, you are free to leave at any time and I won't fight you on that, the door had always been open"

Alec is just being honest, he didn't have in himself to fight trying to trap those who wanted to leave him in staying, those interested in having him in their life would want to stay on their own, and not been chased town and begged not to leave... He learned that lesson well, begging doesn't solve anything, if their mind is set let them walk away in begging them to stay you just open yourself up to expose a weakness and basically requesting more pain, if they were just trying to be manipulative then the begging would be playing in their hands, in the end it doesn't matter trying to hold onto someone who is not holding on you back is just a fight not worth the pain and failure... And if part of this was because of Camille’s recent words ' _Hundreds of years old and still so naïve_ … My love _why_ would such a pretty thing like my sweet Caramel _be with **you**_ if not because you can deliver him something he wants…?' well it didn’t really matter in the end, did it?

Magnus was getting frustrated, at himself, at Alec, already feeling like he had already lost everything they managed to build this far, he knew this was going to be all of his own doing, be he just couldn’t stop himself, this started like any of the now frequently fights, starting from something small and escalating to the point of being hurtful, though he could already recognize this one was shaping to be probably the last one – _after all no amount of glitter an makeup could make you be someone he’d ever consider keeping in his immortal life… And_ _it’s not like anyone else ever wanted you in their life as anything more than a bed warmer_ -

All Magnus could think about now that everything was slipping through his fingers was that if he was going down then by all means he would drag Alec down with him, the man had already clearly declared he wouldn’t fight for this unnamed thing they had, so who’d care, at this point all that Magnus wanted was a reaction, even a small to know that the indifferent cold and composed man standing in front of him _could_ feel the same hurt and desperation he was feeling.

“Maybe Camille was right _you **are unable** to love_ me, if you really loved me then you'd help me and erase this torment from my mind" It was a last desperate jab, honestly he didn’t really expect to work, he had tried so hard for so long to obtaining just what he had asked, and in much more persuasive and alluring ways, all of which had been promptly turned down and refused… But if this was going to be his one last chance to try to get it, his last hand in this game before giving up then he was going to play it till the end, and astonishingly as it might seems, despite hating admitting defeat, even he knew when to fold.

Alec curses internally, each and every word echoing into his mind and soul hurting like million paper cuts into his heart after hearing from the one person he was allowing himself to fall for in a way he never did before

~ _He is but_ _a child Alexander, a Nephilim child at that, what did you dare to expect? You sat and ate and talked with Shadowhunters about peace between our people, and then those same Shadowhunters threw away the plates You ate off because they thought You irredeemably tainted anything You touched. What were you expecting? You **saw**_ _generation after generation being taught downworlders are inferiors, using the name of the race you belong to being nothing more than a slur_ ~

Another person he ended up loving, trying to be there always on the sideline allowing them to shine and cover their back so they could be safe, not asking anything in return, just naively hoping that for once, just this once, he could be enough and not hearing Magnus using the same argument, albeit with slightly different words, that Izzy used when begging her big brother to spare her the pain of remembering the hell they lived through. Hearing once more that selfish request done with the lightness only someone who doesn't know what they are asking for can afford to have. Knowing deep down that he had lost from the very beginning, because in the end it as just too painful.

The indirect jab of learning ~ _resignedly accepting_ ~ that once more he just isn't _good enough_ , that being there with him ~ _his own person_ ~ isn't worth enough to accept how their lives reached the point they crossed and started walking side by side, that despite how much he tried to listen to Will, despite intellectually knowing Camille's words were always said with the intention to hurt, despite realizing that even contemplating them being true is a huge failure, despite it all the doubt them holding an unwanted truth grows and makes home in his being, but if they didn't hold even a small speckle of truth then how is it possible that he just keeps finding himself in this kind of situations?

Everything happens for a reason, the good the bad the pain and the happiness, everything… It is the only thing he had to make sense of his life through the centuries, letting go of this would mean falling apart so badly he’d be unable to pull himself together ever again… And that is not an option…

  
Alexander's stance changes completely his shoulders squaring, his spine stiffening while his face becomes the blank disinterested expression the High Warlock of Brooklyn usually assumes when dealing with particularly distasteful clients, seems like once again the children of the Angels managed to be nothing more than a disappointment. Because now standing in front of him is not the young man he love dearly, no it’s just another shadowhunter asking for his services, nothing else to do but suck it up and get over it.

  
"Very well Bane, if this is what you want then so be it, I’ll give you what you want, but listen to me you -you _child_ do not dare to talk to me about love. **_You_** are the one who knows nothing of how the world goes, believe me I’ve been around long enough to see Empires raise and fall, you want so desperately to forget? Fine I'll do it..."

  
Magnus' eyes growing wider at the sudden change of attitude, “You’d really do it?” he is shocked, and probably the hope is painful clear in his words, but Alec doesn’t seem to react to it at all… After all this time could it be possible that on the eve of what looked like a breakup he’d get what he wanted so badly?

“For the right price…” Alec’s smirk is nothing but cold and calculating, but the offer is too tempting, too good that even the 180° turnaround seems as sudden and as drastic as it probably is, nothing in his appearance suggest even remotely he might be dying inside, falling apart in million tiny pieces, each and every one of them holding the hope the price will be considered too high and that this won’t be the end…

If Magnus could have been honest with himself he knew he should be pretty scared and worried on what exactly the right price would be for the warlock - _Alexander_ \- to be satisfied, even more worried about actually being able to afford it "Name it..."

  
Alexander doesn't flinch, nor gives any indication whether that might let Magnus hope this is going to end up well, he looks as unaffected as if they were discussing the weather and not the main reason for all the fights they had since they got together

"I will erase all the memories of Camille that you want gone in exchange of **_all_** the memories involving me" one hand vaguely gesturing almost awkwardly between them before doing a circular motion to indicate the untold ' _of us, of this thing we have... **had**_ ' clear even when unexpressed

"And after that you **_will_** stay away from me. You will no longer barge in here like you own the place, like you deserve to have a place in my life and I will not see you again. I will no longer be your warlock pet bending backwards to patch you and your little friends up for every bruised knee and scratch you recklessly get, are my terms clear?"

As the words become colder and harsher so Alexander's eye become darker and darker, Magnus is freezing, a cold shiver running down his spine as, for the first time since he met Alec, he sees the powerful warlock who lived for more centuries than he cares to remember, the High in demand Warlock of Brooklyn who is the reason the Institute’s founds always run so low most of the time due to the continuous payments owned, in fact hadn’t he seen one of the oldest and dusty book of the Institute being delivered to Alexander’s library barely one month ago?

All Magnus can do is feeling a forbidding gnawing at the pit of his stomach, something being very wrong and he’s unable to grasp it, what is happening, he’s going to get what he wants, why he’s so afraid of it all of a sudden? He can’t understand, and all he can think of is that this sounds terribly like a Seelie’s deal, he can feel there is something that he isn’t grasping, the devil is in the details, he knows it is one lesson drilled into him early on, he played on details to get each and every loophole he found if it meant getting what he wanted, but this seemed a genuine offer, and not as bad, if so then why waiting this long? If this was the price Alec wanted him to pay why not offering it sooner, why endure so many fight and issue so many refusals…?

Each moment of silence was an age of torture for Alec, maybe there was still hope, maybe Magnus would back off, or maybe… No he couldn’t afford to let his heart follow his imagination, he needs an answer, may it be hope or definitive closure, but no more of this torturous silence

"I am waiting for your answer Bane" It is a relief the glamour on his eyes is not wavering and betraying that the impatience in his tone is not the being annoyed he is projecting with his body language but rather nervousness.

  
Magnus is still unable to find an appropriate answer, part of him wants desperately to leave behind and get out of his system the torturous poison that is the memory of Camille, but the doubts are rapidly building in him… Is losing all he got with Alec worth it? Would all memories of Alec include also the feelings connected to him and his place? Could it be that the price he’s being asked to pay includes giving up the security and fulfillment he found in finding his home…?

Magnus is unsure of what to choose, how to answer such offer, for the first time in his life what he wants is really within grasp but he can’t, can’t take this decision the way he lived his life this far following his whim and damn the consequence, this time around there’s no one watching in his back if he takes the wrong step…

No Catarina being his whispering conscience…

No Ragnor offering his support among the thousand and more curses thrown Magnus’ way…

No Raphael snarling at the both of them and coming up with plans, counterplans and priceless backup plans to cover their backs and return their sorry asses home…

No Alec…

And it’s like something just snapped, he knows, he knows he needs to stop and think of the consequences, swallowing down the air that's starting to fail him he stutters a confused " I- I..."

The snarl that makes him flinch as if he got slapped shouldn’t really come as much as a surprise as it is, if their position were reversed he’d too be pissed off, if after being pestered for _ages_ about something, once offered for what seems a reasonable price then the one bugging him forever more instead of promptly accepting would start to waste more if his time… Needless to say this was really starting to look bad, he needs to make a choice he…

"I will not offer again Magnus, you have a choice to make don’t call me unless you have your answer ready" Despite it all Alec’s voice is gentle, or well less business like than it was before, this is clearly a dismissal but… His thoughts get suddenly interrupted at the feeling of Alec’s magic surrounding him

A barely noticeable snap of Alec’s fingers is all it takes for Magnus to being pushed out of the loft - _out of Alec's life?_ -, past the door that got slammed in his face for the second since he met Alexander Lightwood, the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

It takes a couple of confused blinks to realize this is the first time he finds that same door locked keeping him away from the owner of the only place he ever felt safe and accepted for who he is, makeup, glitter, colors and flare included.

He can finally have what he wanted, the chance to heal and forget... Everything should be perfect… Or at least feeling great… Then why this nagging feeling in his heart doesn’t leave him?

Could it be maybe, just maybe, that what Alec had tried to give him all along was what Magnus needed rather than handing him what he thought he wanted?

He rest his forehead against the cold, locked door, now unyielding under his touch when only few hours before just his proximity would have been enough to grant him entrance… Apparently he has a choice to make, and one that might as well result one of the most important in his entire life.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so, I tried to not have horrid mistakes, and I tried to proofread it, I make no guarantees on how it came out, I am so not sure how this got to be and to become this way, it seems it's most likely going to ba a deleted take on what's going to happen, initially it was planned to be just something that would then be woven into the main story but apparently not, there're too many details in here that will be explored in other ways making this efficiently a standalone scene in the universe... weirdly enough it still should make pretty much sense,
> 
> If Magnus seems way too impulsive and slightly toward the OOC spectrum please try to take in consideration the difference between being centuries old and born in middle age societies, vs being barely out of one's teen in the XXI century, it's pretty obvious to me that a young mortal Magnus wouldn't have had the time yet to learn patience so his exuberance could totally end up out of control...  
> and with this I'll
> 
> @ShadowLikesPie I just _had to_ expand and polish that small gem, and then things got out of hands, I know I promised I'd have the second chapter of the other story ready for this weekend, and I will... (notice my darling that I have not mention *where* the weekend will be.. alas how one plans to make full advantage of the world's most annoying human invention, timezones, as a way to justify oneself It'll be during the weekend somewhere... (*pours down a much needed drink cos it's happy hour somewhere my dear*)


End file.
